So I was just inspired by reading Christine Kirschner’s blog. I think my blog thus far has largely been something that I hope is funny, entertaining and an enjoyable read. I try to keep it mostly light just updating you about the “stuff” going on in my life without going really deep. Christine is really open in her blog and it is an openness that I really respect but deeply fear to be myself. I have been discovering that I am really self-protective. The people I have really opened up to in my life haven’t been very many and the hurts of opening up to people then having to leave or having them leave or whatever the case may be has really made me hesitant to be open. I realize that there is a level of protectiveness that is healthy, but I think sometimes where I’m at isn’t the healthy kind.
I was talking with my friend Kate here (I’m actually writing this from the Food for the Hungry compound where I’m spending the night with her and enjoying wireless internet and space and time to reflect) and she had some great words of wisdom. She talked about this cross cultural training she had been a part of before coming over here. One piece of advice they talked about in regards to goodbyes is that by not saying goodbyes to people you devalue them and communicate that they aren’t worth your emotional energy to say goodbye. The thing that really stuck out to me though was when she added that bad goodbyes will hinder future hellos. I think this is something I am really struggling with. I closed out my time at Mary Baldwin College badly and I don’t keep in touch with anyone from that point in my life. Similarly, when I left my high school I didn’t want to even tell anyone that I was leaving. These habits of just breaking off ties without finding closure or seeking true goodbyes has made me a person hesitant to settle down and really settle in with people I perceive won’t be my “friends for life.” This has applied to how I attend church at Wheaton (I went to Rez all 4 years yet never got involved with anything there), how I interact with people here, or even how I interact with boys (because you know girls and boys can’t be “friends” J). I always say that I would like to dig deeper into relationships, but I continually keep up these invisible boundaries letting people in only so far. God has just been showing me a lot about how I care way too much about what other people think of me. I think I can tend to give off this persona of a “who cares” attitude but inside I am concerned even what ya’ll are thinking as you read this. I think that is a huge part of my self protectiveness just wanting to keep others from seeing the “real me,” the person behind the red head who likes to make people laugh (though that is integral to my identity). Definitely there are people who know me deeper than that, but as I have been stripped of my humor here and been stripped of the “specialness” of having red hair (sorry I know it sounds vain… there I go again caring what ya’ll are thinking) I have been having a bit of an indentity crisis. What am I to people here? Do people like me? How can I know?
Many of these reflections came to a climax last week when I really began to feel like no one at work liked me. There are a few dynamics that have changed during my time here and while at first “everything was cool” and I felt generally accepted by people at work, I have come to realize that there is at least one girl who really doesn’t like me (or at least that’s what I think… cross cultural people reading is SO difficult). It seems everyone else has gotten on that don’t like Emily train (OK probably not everyone and I am definitely blowing this up in my head… but that is part of the problem). I just care too much about other people’s opinions of me and I have too high of expectations about what my friendships with co-workers will look like. I haven’t really made good friends here and I don’t feel known and loved at work, but I have been heartily and graciously accepted by a family here and for that I’m thankful. But to get back to my train of thought, I care way too much about what others think and I had to be stripped of my typical identity in group situations (the funny one) to begin to realize that. My mom gave me this book When People are Big and God is Small talking about the “fear of man.” It has been good to think through and let go of some of my feelings as I begin to try and instead fear God and be concerned with his view of me instead of others. So in summary I’m working on it and I hope that this blog post is a small beginning of letting other people in past the false boundaries that I so often erect keeping myself from really being “known” by others.
Thanks to all of you who have had some great comments on my previous blogs. I wish I could respond to each of you personally thanking you for your wise words (I love the Indy small group adults, my moms and dads back at home). Please partner with me in prayer as I figure out how to say goodbyes in a good way here. Pray that I would connect with people in meaningful ways in this last month and have the emotional energy and stamina to sustain these relationships through goodbyes and to whatever beyond God may or may not have for these relationships. Also pray for me as I work to complete my independent study and put together some materials about family planning for Luke to use after I leave in rural villages. I am feeling really unmotivated most of the time to work on it but I really need to get my act together. Thanks for being people of prayer and wanting to know me better… I hope this helps a bit to know me during this part of my journey.
So the captions of the pics that I am posting with this post… I think you can probably match them up correctly
A picture of me and my co-worker Mrs. Sempala after a gift exchange where I gave her a big blanket… so much fun
All you other interns be jealous… this is an especially large harvest (normally get about 10) of what grows in my mom’s garden here
The really awesome stoll of a priest at All Saints… can you guess which women of the Bible each woman represents?
Guys come on I’m ready to go would you hurry up I don’t have all day
Where I went for HNGR vacation with my advisor (Kara Robinson), Sarah Komline and Breanne Wroughton… so beautiful
Eating lunch in Muduuma (the rural villages where we do outreach clinics) notice the hands eating… it takes a while to get used to handling super hot food!
One of my group interview groups talking about family planning
Pretty but difficult to access the door J
My cousin who is now in the UK… but this was taken just after we went to a wedding in August together (sorry to post it a little late 
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- stoll
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- strawberries 2
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- survey group
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- walukunyu 21 oct 10
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- walukunyu 21 oct 16
